Thai Days: Monday!


Hugh Paxton’s Blog woke up at 5:30. Pavlovian. A normal 5:30 is wake up for me to make tea for my beloved wife. But oh??!! No wife! 5:30 and I’m here. My wife isn’t. She’s in Houston or Costa Rica.

5:30 AM and it’s normally time for me to give my beloved daughter another thirty minutes of bed time before rousting her from her nest and hurling her into a brutal world.

No daughter. She’s in Japan.

I had five thirty and thought, OK no daughter, no wife, but Hugh you are awake don’t need to do any catering, let’s have a look at it! What does 5:30 look like when you aren’t making sandwiches, brewing tea and listening to a groggy girl saying “Just two more minutes.”

It was, quite frankly, appalling!

I approached the living room and the stench was physical. A punch. A “Hello Hugh welcome to Beagle World.”

The dog was sitting there on my table, tongue hanging out, the stupid animal hadn’t eaten everything and thank God (if there is such an entity which I profoundly doubt) had just taken my credit card for a brisk walk. The card made it intact. Four more books had been chewed along with my newspapers and it was a case of hell’s confetti.

5:40 AM Bangkok. OK, my gals are off and about. But I’ve still got things to feed. Fish first. No problems there. Fish don’t bark. if they’ve got complaints I can’t hear them. The turtles are similar. The hedgehogs were asleep (and stinking) as usual. The late and lamented Steve Hollier told me that hedgehogs make great pets. The still living Hugh can assure you that they don’t.

They are horrible pets. In the garden, in the wild, yes! Great fun! In a cage no.

I then fed the cat. This is always a bit of a task. She ate a squirrel yesterday and brought me its tail. I gave her a boot in the rump that sent her tree top high. I like squirrels.

Back to the plot!

Feed the cat!

She’s a picky thing. Takes time to decide.

Treat (the cat): Hmm, looks tempting, but with what should accompany this? A Merlot? Perhaps a rough solid Algerian Red? South Africa fuels the World with wine of outstanding quality!

Treat: Hmm. I’ll have a very long look.

Hugh: Eat the bloody thing before the dog gets it!

Treat: Miaow?

Buggly: That’s mine!

Quick gulp and breakfast is over.

I hid briefly in my bedroom. Brief. A good word. The gardener arrived. He’s a fine chap but one of those people who likes a bit of noise. There was lots of noise.

He left eventually and then Khun Mee arrived.

Well meaning. Noisy.

OK let’s move on to eight thirty. Door bell rings. Khun Mee ignores it. Maybe she’s hearing impaired.

Hugh: You! You bastard!

Chang: Are you talking to Buggly, sir!

Hugh: Hi Chang! How are you?

Polite conversation. Chang likes me. I like Chang. Come to think about it I like everybody. Apart from Robot Mugabe.

Time for tea and no toast and a browse through the paper.

“Month of political chaos approaches” That was the header.

Another month? We’ve had four already!

The acting PM has sprained her ankle in Chiang Mai, opposition leader Abhisit fell down stairs and broke his collar bone. The monk who got punched in the face by a Red Shirt lout is recovering. Red Shirt radio says the monk was being rude. Hospitals are filling up.

I thought, Hugh, the safest place for you is in bed (or under it).

The door bell rang.

Chang again with two small people wearing chemical weapons masks.

OK. Twilight Zone!

I signed a form thinking how long will Monday last? and saying it was acceptable to destroy all my termites on Tuesday. I don’t have termites. And spray Thai Village with fumes designed to kill mozzies.

The form had no other signatures. Everybody’s away on holiday.

Two decrepit trucks rolled along gusting clouds of smoke.

I watched their progress and was not enthused.

The smoke was caught by the wind and left my house without even giving me lung cancer. It billowed away towards the latest building site. The mozzies have left the building site and are making themselves at home here with me.

That’s been my Monday morning!

But that’s why God made Monday mornings! Give us hope for Tuesday!

cheers from Bangkok!


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