Join ISIS NOW!

by

Hello little Muslims! May Allah be praised!

Now is the time to abandon your comfortable suburban homes in Europe and Australia and buy a one way ticket to Turkey. It might cost a lot but when you get there you will be enchanted by Istanbul’s cosmopolitan nature. Make notes. Take strategic photos. When we get there we will blow it up and all Kurds, Christians, as well as Shia will be put to the sword. All the Turks as well, obviously. Goes without saying. God be praised!

A couple of guys will shift you over the border and show you to your new accommodations. Ample, cold and tepid running water, thrifty food, lots of female slaves, prayers, and violence.

Pay: We don’t approve of money in ISIS because it isn’t very Islamic. You won’t get any. But you can steal watches and ornaments from people you behead.

FAQs: Will a drone strike obliterate me while I’m taking a crap in a stinking pit latrine while gusts of wind-blown dust lash my face and flies infest my unwashed hair?

ISIS: No.

FAQs: Will I arrive without any idea of how to use a weapon and suddenly meet an Iranian Republican Guard battalion smoking cigarettes with Kurds and Iraquis jeering at me, and all of them being battle-hardened?

ISIS: Of course not.

FAQs: If I change my mind, can I go home?

ISIS: No.

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