Hugh Paxton’s Blog is impressed! Yes, impressed! Charlie Clarke has hit Day Five of his lemon diet without cheating or veering off in the heretical direction of oranges or limes. And, although I’ve been scanning the media in my routine manner, there have been no reports of yellow men smeared with syrup supplements spotted in the Brighton vicinity. There was a chap found dead near Newcastle who wasn’t just dead, but malnourished and orange. He’d opted for carrots. Mr. Clarke has wisely limited his adventure to seven days. This fellow had been ‘carrot only’ for months. There may have been mental health issues as well as root vegetables involved in his demise. If I was his undertaker I’d plant him vertically sans coffin with sufficient solar contact in the scalp region, water him from time to time and see if he sprouted new growth.
BLOG ED: Thank Turnip you aren’t an undertaker! But while we are being chatty, tell em the Nazi carrot cunning plan. This is probably your only chance to get it off your chest without wasting an entire Blog post boring everybody rigid.
Hugh: If you insist. The Brits invented radar and kept shooting down Heinkels and Dorniers and other bandits at night. Berlin when it wasn’t planning final victory at Stalingrad wondered what was going on. Some genius in UK Intelligence spread the rumour that the RAF was feeding ‘The Few’ with carrots because they improved vision, especially in low light conditions. Nazi spies were never very good; they missed ‘radar’ but heard ‘carrots’ on the radio. Goering, to give him his due, a WWI fighter ace and a brave if misdirected man, on learning that carrots were responsible for his unacceptable casualty rates responded with alacrity. The Luftwaffe began to find carrots on its menu. Didn’t help. After losing most of their bombers the Jerries switched to rocket science. Carrots, in their way, spurred ideas and helped put men on the moon. And if your Mummy tells you to eat carrots because they’ll make you see in the dark she’s making you swallow a superior piece of Brit MI war-time disinformation…
BLOG ED: Let me cut you off there, before you start in on how rats and fleas created democracy in Europe by killing one third of Europe’s population with bubonic plague thereby reducing the labour pool and spurring pay rises and the power of the peasant to exert influence on decision making in the lofty elites, and the persistent Japanese belief that their intestines are different and can nourish the body with fresh air rather than rely on immediate VJ WW II Imperial defeat rations for nourishment. Although both are quite interesting topics, and the second theme is most definitely diet-related. I would genuinely like to hear about them at a later date, but back to Charlie Clarke. You say he has not gone yellow?
Hugh: He doesn’t mention the issue. He may be extremely yellow. But if he was, I think his greengrocer would have pointed it out to him.
BLOG ED: Greengrocer? What’s he been dieting on? Asparagus?
Hugh: Just read Charlie’s account. If there’s a hastily buried murder victim anywhere near Brighton with a bacon sandwich in his/her pockets the CID can call off the dog squad and Charlie will sniff out the victim. There’s something about the crisp crunch of a bacon sandwich with crusty newly baked bread and no bloody lemons…
BLOG ED: That’s enough of that! Over to Charlie!
From: Charlie Clarke [mailto:email@example.com]
Sent: Thursday, January 14, 2016 5:39 AM
Subject: Charlie’s fasting blog: back to work (days 3-5)
I’m still going … and going well at the end of day 5!
Here’s my latest update …
All the best