Hugh Paxton’s Blog has a section in its library called Horrible Bastards. I don’t use it too often. Not that horrible bastards are in short supply but because it could become a full time job and this blog hopes to save a bit of time and space for nice things; fluffy bunnies, good news and the trusting twinkling smile of a new born child.
But for tonight I’m reopening my Horrible Bastards department.
Because these bastards are horrible and deserve a bit of profiling.
Let’s start with Taliban spokesman Ahsanullah Ahsan (on the telephone).
“This was a new chapter of obscenity,” said he to the world, unrepentant. “And we have to finish this chapter.”
Ahsan was talking about the shooting of three young Pakistani girls on a school bus in the Swat valley, once dubbed the Switzerland of Pakistan and the sort of place honeymooners (and young girls going to school) would head for.
The obscenity he was describing wasn’t the shooting of unarmed teenaged girls off for a maths lesson – it was the girls going to school.
That’s what struck Arsehole as obscene. And who could disagree with that? Girls? Going to school! Now that is seriously obscene! Abhorrent! What would all those virgins waiting in Paradise with bottles of wine for Taliban teetotal martyrs make of that sort of thing?
Yes, right, all those celestial virgins would be shocked and horrified! They’d give the gallant child murderer flirtatious winks and girly giggles and say “Oh you are so brave! Have some wine? Rampant sex with us all for eternity? Oh, come come come on, don’t be coy! We’re gagging for it! You’re so bearded, so ruggedly ugly! And you’ve killed (or failed to kill) three young girls!) So brave you are! So flushed with honour! Bring on virgin one! Stenchhole Armpitsa. Plus her flies. And her wine’s made in Siberia using, among other fluids, liquids involved effectively in toilet purges.
“God’s great. And I’m a martyr and I’ve tried to kill three children ! Is there anything else on the menu?”
“Nope, not until you’ve finished infinity with Stenchhole Arrmpitsa. Then you get your next virgin.”
“But that’s going to take years! God is great give me a break?”
“Rules are rules. Read the Koran!”
“I can’t read! This isn’t fair! I gunned down three little girls while I was shouting God is Great! I think I deserve better than that…virgin! She looks like a yeti!!!”
“No mate. She’s a virgin. Virginal. Hymen intact. Medical tests confirm it. Pure as the driven snow. Enjoy your eternal copulations. And no more questions. And leave your AK at the door Move it! There’s a queue!”
Hey ho, let’s leave Jihad’s heaven behind and get back to reality!
The gunman, definitely a horrible bastard, didn’t know what his target looked like. So he called out her name and one of her friends pointed her out. She didn’t see what was coming. The intended victim did and, quite understandably denied being her. When in doubt shoot as many girls as time and ammunition permit then run. That’s what our Taliban hero did.
Malala Yousafzai, the 14 year old who was the intended target had not just had the temerity to want to go to school but had gone a few steps further. She’d started a blog and had started sending her diaries to the BBC.
I hope she recovers. I hope her school friends recover.
People have been arrested. Pakistan and the world is appalled.
The Taliban made a major mistake when they blew up the Buddhist images in those magical, spiritual caves in Afghanistan. They’ve blown a lot more by attempting to kill brave little girls.