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Hugh Paxton’s Blog has always loathed communists. Before I met any I wasn’t that interested. Then I met them. Mostly at Oxford university and they all wore spectacles.
The Socialist Worker Party members were aggressive and convinced and driven by a complex turmoil of guilt because they were rich, anger because they were young and had no idea of what to attack but wanted to attack something, inadequacy (every commie is prone to this one), a fear of meeting girls, a suspicion that they might be gay and would moan and groan if molested by all the sailors from HMS Hercules, and, if not gay, might have small penises.
A terrible combination. And not having a sense of humour was essential. I remember attending some pointless student debate about whether Zionism was Racism and I started laughing. It was such nonsense! And nobody was trying to be funny but they were very funny!
An SWP swarmed down and sat next to me and said “It’s not funny!”
I still remember his face. It was furious. It was feeble. It was the sort of face that only a mother could hope would leave home ASAP. It was also a middle class white face contorted by juvenile politics. This wanker, I thought, would make a perfect Khmer Rouge cadre. He’s got it all!
“Stop laughing!” he ordered. I thought you fascist Commie piece of shit!
“Give me a big sloppy kiss, buttercup, lets go back to my place and I’ll nibble your testes!”
That was the end of that political discussion. Thank God he didn’t take me up on the invite!
He shuffled off.
I have had a good look at the Communist track record and it sucks. Really does. So many good ideas. So many final solutions.
People think Nazis are bad. Compared to Commies, Nazis are sweet. Amiable! The sort of guys (and girls) you would like next door. Communists have killed so many!
Do maths. Stalin. A good start. Mao. Wow, now we’re great famine-ing! Khmer Rouge?
Add up the Commie deaths in the 20th century and it’s millions! Millions! And all of the dead in a good cause! I think that makes me hate communists. They have a belief, and if you dissect it, put it under scrutiny, it isn’t a bad idea, it just goes sour so swiftly and then everybody starts killing each other and dying of hunger. Every time.
Let’s quickly go to North Korea. Here communism is alive and well and what an attractive advertisement for the philosophy. The uncle of one Kim or another Kim, is hauled out of a meeting attended by lots of people called Kim, condemned to death, and there’s none of that US appeals sort of time wasting. No the bloke is dragged off, has to confess aand they shoot him. He was probably a horrible shit but the sheer speed of the judicial procedure knocked me off balance. One minute this fellow thinks he’s safe and happy and important and all his well and then he’s hauled away and shot.
Every cloud has a silver lining. Nobody shot his wife. She has received a promotion. She is in charge of organising the funeral. Lucky old her!
Hugh Paxton’s Blog has a number of animals in my house. But enough of mycats, my hedhehogs, my daughter and her friends.
Let’s move on to a house in Klong Sam District.
This was over populated!
14 white lions. Where the heck did he he get 14 white lions? South Africa. And the lion owner says he’s got the papers to prove it.
Four otter civets.
23 meeerkats! (Yes RSA seems a likely point of origin).
Australians take note – “at least 1,000 sugar gliders”. At least 1,000!
four miniature pigs
an undisclosed number of other birds
and a bunch of stuffed animals.
This lot were in his house? He must have a larger place than myself.
The police were tipped off by the guy’s neighbours who were fed up with lions roaring, peacocks cawing and “a smell of excrement.”
Sakda Noppasit, secretary to the natural resources and environment Minister, said the suspects registered a company for study purposes but that it was clear the their company has “nothing to do with research or study”.
The cost of importing a white lion? 200,000 Baht.
Come on South Africa! Crack down on the export end! Otherwise Asia will bleed you dry!
Hugh Paxton’s Blog has watched the Thai military machine make a few questionable investments in recent years. Nobody talks much about their blimp brigade any more. The airship didn’t do a Hindenburg. It sort of ran out of hot air and if it is still monitoring terrorist activity in the deep south it isn’t really working. Retired German Submarines? That story sank without trace. They could still be out there lurking, aware, the menace beneath the waves or maybe Thailand didn’t buy them. Or they sank. Or there are a bunch of illegal immigrant guys from Burma changing their nuts and bolts and torpedo tubes in a top secret base on the Andaman Sea.
Obviously Thailand needs to defend itself. Cambodia needs watching. They want our undesignated World Heritage Site Hindu temple and if they maintain their nonsensensical territorial claims it will mean war!
Blimps, subs, they may be useful, but one investment has attracted a bit more critical attention.
Mine detectors that don’t work.
The thing about mines is that they actually do work. They blow your legs off. They get washed down stream when it rains. Mine migration. Happens all the time. They infest war zones and after peace is declared they ignore the cheers and hand shakes and sit and wait and if you happen to encounter them you are maimed or dead.
Let’s meet Mr. James McCormick. His mine detector sold very well. Profits? 50 million pounds. Each of his instruments went for up to 27,000 quid. Thailand invested. Heavily.
Over to James McCormick!
“I never had any negative results from customers.”
Actually he didn’t at first. Lots of people bought them.
But his mine detectors were utterly ineffectual and relied on a mix of mumbo jumbo – water dowsing, following earth energy – etc. and some good old fashioned salesman bullshit.
The Old Bailey (London) has given him ten years in stir for fraud.
McCormick’s mine detector was based on a novelty golf ball finder.
It would be funny. Could be. But mines have no sense of humour. McCormick is where he should be.
Hugh Paxtons Blog was pleased to see Rodel, our beloved Filipino friend and my daughter’s piano teacher arrive safely yesterday. He was almost blown up.
Thailand gave Hassan Taib one month to prove that he and his Islamic insurgents in Thailand’s deep south were serious about peace talks.
Peace talks set for June 13. It’s probably going to be a Friday. Friday the 13th!
The Mecca worshippers have engaged in the peace process by killing lots of people. Every day.
It isn’t peaceful at all. Yesterday these self proclaimed ‘liberationists’ really participated in reconcilation by zooming in on motor bikes and indicrimately spraying a grocery shop with bullets.
Uhuru! Freedom from Siam! God is great!
These Muslim wankers killed six people. Not marines, not rangers, not people with guns. The murdered were going to a shop to buy stuff for lunch, maybe a toy for the little boy.
Six people in a little shop. Shot for Islam.
One hit for our glory boys? A one year old baby. Bet they’re glad they got him! A real threat a one year old boy must pose to their deviant itinerary!
The four Jihad guys then got off their scooters and went into the grocery store to finish their job. Anybody not dead was shot again. To make sure.
Islam is a cowardly religion as currently practiced. It doesn’t condemn the appalling behaviour of its adherents. It makes people the world over hate it.
Makes me hate it. A one year old shot in a shop. This bullshit must be terminated. Forget the peace talks. Murderers are murderers. I hope the Thai army moves in en masse and murders them all.
Also, these mentally diseased Muslim freaks could have killed Rodel. He saw the bomb blow.
Bang. Just like that. Bang. Smoke. The spit of a gun. A one year old child. Just like that.
And if Rodel had been killed I’d be hard pressed to find another piano teacher or a friend like him. That would be a nuisance!
Hugh Paxton’s Blog has constantly ridden Bangkok taxis – very cheap, one heck of a lot cheaper than hiring a car in the city if you are a visitor and if things go a bit skew whiff, you get lost (the driver gets lost) then that’s not really an issue. It takes longer than expected or the driver weaves through strange alleys like an escape artist for The Italian Job and you are an hour ahead of that crucial meeting. I really like Bangkok taxi drivers.
Just sometimes they go wrong.
Hence this quick travel advisory. If you are in a hurry to get to the airport and everything is somewhat carelessly not strapped to your testicles and you look affluent and flustered and are covered in gold bangles, then the driver might suddenly run out of gas and in the interests of speed, beg you to get out and push the vehicle to the curb.
Like every great scam this one relies on:
1. The victims being in a state of agitation, being late, being worried about missing their flight, getting stuck in the midst of hurtling scooters, large trucks with blare blare horns, fear, confusion about protocol in a new country, disorientation, kids suddenly appearing at the taxi windows looking on their deathbeds and selling jasmine garlands for good luck.
2. Trust. The victims trust the taxi driver. He has a certificate dangling beside his rear view mirror. He is, in this confusion, an authority figure. Like a Bangkok traffic cop. Nuff said on that one.
3. Hope and sympathy. The taxi driver explains he is out of gas (again) and asks his passengers to help push the taxi out of harm’s way.
4. Compliance mixed with desperation, hope and still a degree of sympathy for the taxi driver’s dreadful plight. Out the door spill the victims of the scam. And they push. They really push. Hoping everything will work out. After a bit of pushing, the taxi re-finds its gas pedal and clears off with all the belongings and is never seen again.
5. Hugh Paxton’s Blog Advisory: If your taxi runs out of gas en route to an airport, smack the driver repeatedly in the face while the vehicle is stationary, shout loudly, scream, lower windows and scream even more loudly. Or, play it cool and suggest that you handle the steering wheel and he does the pushing.
This is a new scam, quite ingenious, and honest policemen (even dishonest policemen) are going to squash it fairly swiftly. Could take a few months, though. Taking a taxi to the Intl airport do it through your hotel or backpackers lodge . If you are staying with honest people they’ll know honest taxi drivers.
I’ve only had one fight with a taxi driver. Outside Robinsons department store on Sukhumvit. The little bastard was in league with the doorman, switched his meter off as soon as we climbed in and demanded with menaces 200 baht. In retrospect, not a significant sum – three times the legal norm if his meter was running. None the less a pitiful scam. I hammered his windows, yelled expletives, told him I was going to smash his head in and he auto-locked the doors.
This was not his intention. He wanted this raging foreigner out of his cab but he couldn’t unlock the doors. I gave him more hell. The idiot wannabe gangster had put his seatbelt on and it’s really difficult to punch somebody in the backseat if your seatbelt has jammed.
More shouting, fierce trapped rat, not a player.
I think it was my wife who opened the doors. It was me who won the “F****k you!” contest.
Then we caught another taxi. The Robinsons doorman had vanished. No loyalty amongst thieves.
Cheers from Bangkok! Trust me most taxis are safe!
Hugh Paxton’s Blog ia appalled by the latest Chinese eco crime. It beggars belief.
Scene: A world heritage site, coral abundant, the Tubbataha reefs. 600 fish species, 360 coral species, eleven species of sharks, sea turtles, a hundred species of birds, thirteen species of whales and dolphins…it doesn’t get much better than Tubbataha.
For some reason ships keep crashing in. Greenpeace – the Rainbow Warrior ran aground due to faulty maps issued by the Philippines govt. They paid the fine, regretted the incident and sailed away to save whales elsewhere. The US minesweeper USS Guardian swept in earlier this year and the anti-US protestor department went into a predictable frenzy. The US did the decent thing, paid compensation and the USS Guardian sailed away to sweep mines elsewhere.
The latest vessel to run aground on Tubbataha is a Chinese fishing boat sailing without charts (and without any fish). The vessel, upon closer inspection turned out not to have just recklessly destroyed corals but to be carrying 1,200 kilos of dead, de-scaled pangolins. These inoffensive scaly South east Asian anteaters are endangered, trade is totally illegal and demand, particularly in China where they are considered by some to be medicinal, continues to boom.
This blog hopes Manila will throw the book at these coral wrecking smugglers. They are guilty as sin.
Hugh Paxton’s Blog has to admire Suzanne Wasden’s anger management strategy. Not because it works, but because it so spectacularly doesn’t work.
Suzanne (49), a Florida resident, decided to resolve her personal problems by getting drunk. She then bought lots of papayas. After running out of money she paid a visit to her neighbour and demanded beer and a cigarette. The neighbour had negligently failed to lay in supplies of either commodity.
Enraged, Suzanne, indulged in a bit of bad language and then went into papaya assault mode.
“Papaya pummelling'” (a description of the event offered by http://www.HuffingtonPost.com) was followed by some mooning action. Suzanne dropped her jeans and invited her neighbour to kiss her butt. She is due in court to explain her behaviour. A tough proposition and her lawyer will have to be creative. She will no doubt be frisked by officials for fruit before taking the stand.
Still on fruit (and fruit cakes) we now move to California and meet university student Morgan Triplett (20). Morgan advertised on Craigslist. She wanted to be beaten, bruised and kicked and any man willing to participate would be rewarded with sex. Somebody decided to oblige. Morgan, after being beaten and holding up her end of the bargain, informed the university campus police that she had been assaulted by a stranger while she was looking for banana slugs in a nearby forest. Yes, that’s right. Looking for banana slugs. A two week investigation ensued and concluded with a charge of falsifying a police report. She is apparently seeking “medical treatment for mental issues”. Not before time.
Last in today’s post is Dr. Virginia Soares de Souza of Curitba, Brazil. The doctor has been charged by police with killing seven and maybe 300 (give or take) patients in her intensive care unit at the Evangelical Hospital, Curitba. Her motive it is alleged (and her telephone conversations reportedly confirm this) was to free up hospital beds for other patients. If convicted Virginia will make the history books as one of the world’s most prolific serial killers.
The source for this last case is http://www.ibnlive.in.com and if it isn’t true, that’s their fault.
I know North Korea’s hogging the news at the moment with its silly, fat (yet small) dictator threatening nuclear strikes on Guam and LA and Seoul and Japan but if Virginia has been up to mischief on this scale I would have expected her to make BBC World news at least for a little bit.
That’s it for now.
No, one more.
Happy and True. Let us go to India.
Sonali Mukherjee (27) had acid thrown in her face by three men who she had turned down after they made amorous approaches. These utter scumbags partially blinded her and left her with severe facial scars. This sort of attack revolts me at soul, moral, intellectual, bedrock level. It makes me less than I aspire to be – humane, decent, a good guy. It makes me want the attackers hanged, drawn and quartered, slowly dunked in acid baths, it fouls my mind – I yelp, piss and moan when I burn my fingers when I’m pulling a hot roasting tray out of the oven. Imagine having acid thrown in your face by three men. Three men who said they loved you.
BLOG ED NOTE: I thought this was going to be Happy and True. So far it’s been violent and nasty. Any Happy coming?
HUGH PAXTON: Sonali just won 2.5 million rupees on the Indian version of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. She wore a scarf to cover her face, and goggles to protect her damaged eyes from TV camera lighting. But her purse is now full and I wish her joy and nice things and I’m happy, very happy, this happened. The acid throwers, stewing in jail? I hope they hear about Sonali’s good fortune. It will augment their prison experience. Perhaps, while they are serving as sex slaves to inmate predators or eating weevils, they may think that next time round it’s a better idea to say it with flowers. Not acid.